The Clinton Deathwatch News...

The background of this story is the cyclone of accusations and allegations in which the president is enmired. At the center of the storm is Ms. Lewinsky, who is alleged to have had a sexual affair with Mr. Clinton while serving as a White House intern, a White House staffer and a Pentagon employee. Ms. Lewinsky has denied the affair in a sworn affidavit and confirmed it in detail to every person in the flood basin of the Potomac River. Ms. Lewinsky's special friends were invited to listen to her answering machine tapes of Mr. Clinton, who reportedly would phone at odd hours to detail the sex acts he wanted to perform on her, presumably for something less than forty minutes at a time.

Mr. Clinton has issued a number of terse and unconvincing denials of the accusations and allegations. At a press conference last Friday, Mr. Clinton was asked if--in light of the pain allegations of wrong-doing have brought to him and his family--he might consider resignation. Clinton replied, "Never. The American people elected me their president and I'm never gonna let 'em live it down." Meanwhile White House sources have sought to portray Ms. Lewinsky as a ditzy, star-struck young woman who threw herself at the president with pin-point accuracy.

Also at issue are charges that the President suborned perjury and obstructed justice by attempting to buy Ms. Lewinsky's silence with high-paying jobs. She may in fact be the only ditzy, star-struck, extremely young woman to have been granted the Pentagon's highest security clearance. In a series of events White House sources have characterized as purely coincidental, Ms. Lewinsky was subpoenaed to offer testimony in the Paula Jones sexual harassment case against the president, she delivered to the president's office a dress and other gifts Clinton had given her, gifts that had also been subpoenaed, was driven to a high-priced Washington lawyer by Clinton's close friend Vernon Jordan and swore out but did not submit an affidavit denying any sexual involvement with the president. It is purely coincidental, White House sources say, that Lewinsky did not submit this affidavit until the very day that Jordan arranged a high-paying job for her with Revlon Cosmetics. White House sources have not yet sought to portray Jordan in an unflattering light.

In addition to the president's unconvincing denials, the White House has endeavored to counter the allegations by attacking the honor and credibility of Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr. In an escalating series of charges, White House sources have sought to portray Starr as a notorious stick-in-the-mud and an inveterate stamp collector. In a background interview, an aide close to the president insisted that Starr is--quote--"a congenital guidance counselor. He's the kind of guy who organizes newspaper drives, for god's sake!"

The White House strategy seems to be working, at least for now. Clinton's poll numbers are up while Starr's are down. It is in not known whether White House staffers are aware that legal matters are decided by judges and juries, rather than by polls and elections. In any case, the president's approval rating has soared to dizzying heights in recent weeks. As many as 79 percent of poll respondents approve of the job he's doing, and 100 percent approve of him staying the hell away from their daughters. As of today, 3,000 ground troops have been slated for deployment in Iraq, less than one percent of the 500,000 soldiers deployed in Desert Storm. It is not known how these soldiers, certain to be slaughtered to the last man, rate the president's performance. White House sources have sought to portray people certain to be slaughtered to the last man in the name of presidential grandstanding as unpatriotic naysayers, possibly influenced by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.

This is a reference to a theory put forth by First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, who claims that all accusations and allegations against her and her husband originate with a shadowy network of conservative operatives plotting to bring down what Mr. Clinton referred to as "the most ethical administration in history". In the past, Mrs. Clinton has acknowledged having conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt and Joan of Arc, both deceased. Joan of Arc is best remembered for herself hearing voices. White House sources have sought to portray Mrs. Clinton as a woman in full possession of her faculties. They have also sought to portray her as svelte, attractive and a natural blonde. White Houses sources vehemently deny that Mrs. Clinton is the source behind all White House sources.

Penthouse magazine made news recently by offering Ms. Lewinsky two million dollars for full rights to her story, to appear in the magazine along with a layout of semi-nude photos. Playboy magazine today upped the ante by offering five million dollars each to both Ms. Lewinsky and Mrs. Clinton if they will promise never, ever to pose for nude or semi-nude photographs. White House sources characterized both Playboy and Penthouse magazines as--quote--"the kind of trash my husband hides in the Oval Office."

White House sources today sought to portray presidential adviser James Carville as--quote--"a killer attack chihuahua, a chain-saw with legs". Asked to comment, Carville said, "Don't she say the sweetest things?" Carville, who has difficulty pronouncing the letter R, said his role in the scandal is--quote--"to be the countahbalance to the Grudge Repoaht". This is a reference to the Drudge Report, the on-line gossip newsletter that first broke news of the Lewinsky scandal. It is not known if the Drudge Report is thought to be a part of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, but White House sources have sought to portray reporter Matt Drudge as a dark, menacing-looking man with an enormous jaw.

It is arguable that either the allegations or the denials or the amazing coincidences are costing President Clinton sleep. Secret Service WAVE records reveal that Little Caesar's Pizza has made 37 late-night deliveries to the White House since the scandal broke. Asked to comment, the Little Caesar's man said, "No thank you, no thank you." White House sources have sought to portray him as a short, fat, swarthy individual with a large, bulbous nose.