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Willie's FREE! guide to netspeak

A Ramblin' Gamblin' Willie story by Greg Swann

Internet mail is awash in N-letter abbreviations (NLAs), and sometimes merely looking at them makes my eyes glaze over (MEGO). I'm sure the same is true for you, so you'll be glad to know that, like our president, I feel your pain with both hands (IFYPWBH). That's why I've prepared this compendium of netspeak. I worked these out from context, so I don't guarantee they're 100% accurate, but what the hey--they're FREE! (WTH-TF!) And as every netspeaker of abbreviations knows, information doesn't want to be accurate, information wants to be FREE! (IWTBF!) So: with that: herewith: to wit and accordingly: Willie's FREE! guide to netspeak:

AFAIK: Acting Fatuously As if I Know (my experience is negligible, my advice is useless and I'm so glad you asked)

AKA: Already Killed Already: an admonition to fanatical cancelbots

AOL: Accident Of Love (literally a birth-defect; metaphorically refers to a clueless newbie; may recover, probably won't)

CIS: Customer Implosion Syndrome, a form of price competition that induces customers to disappear

CU: Columbia University

CUL8R: Alumnus of Columbia University

FAQ: The plaintive cry of the Peruvian FAQ Bird

FIFO: Last

LIFO: Last

FUBAR: Found Under Bed After Reception (a promotion and a raise)

FYI: Fifty Year Interval, the mean time between non-failures of a typically astute AOL user (TA-AOL-U)

<G>: Grimacing

<GG>: Glaring and Grimacing

<GGG>: Suing for emotional damages

GIGO: Obscure Italian cult film featuring a transsexual ingenue

GRD&W: A Denver & Rio Grande Western railroad train has derailed

HTML: Hurts To Make Love (I have a sexually transmitted disease)

IAC: Incurably, Amiably Clueless (AOL user)

IHTFP: I Have Time For Parcheesi (typically sophisticated come-on line (TSCOL))

IMO: I aM Overweight

IMHO: I aM Horrendously Overweight

IMNSHO: I aM Neurotic, Schizophrenic and Horrendously Overweight

IOU: I have no intention of paying back the money I borrowed from you

IOW: I have no intention of paying back the money I borrowed from either of you

IWTBF!: Information Wants To Be FREE! (rationalization, often flaming, for theft or substandard quality; first attributed to Stewart Brand, whose information wants to be paid for)

LOL: Lay Off Lolita, an admonition to net.pedophiles

NFG: Made with pride by Microsoft

OT1H: Only Types with 1 Hand--a CIS user

OTOH: Only Types withOut Hands--an AOL user

PITA: A mutant tortilla from the Middle East reputed to have unnatural congress with lamb; probably mythical, since there is no such thing as a lamb burrito

ROFL: Regular Ordered Flame Language (ANSI-certified profanity)

ROTFL: Regular Ordered Tyrannical Flame Language (ANSI-certified profanity with Bell Labs extensions, also known as ROFL++)

ROTFLMAO: Regular Ordered Tyrannical Flame Language with Microsoft Amended Objects (Windows NT)

RSN: Never

RTFM: The Right To Flame Mercilessly, guaranteed under Article 0967.21 of the net.constitution

TPTB: To Proud To Beg, a form of self-insurance from RTFM

SNAFU: Started Normal, Afterward Fully Unreadable (parsed by one of many easy-to-use UNIX text-processing tools)

TA-AOL-U: Typically Astute AOL User (nobody)

TANJ: Tangerine Actually has No "J"

TANSTAAFL: Turn $5 into $50,000 in 30 days, GUARANTEED!

TGIF: Truly Gifted Index Finger (describes a smart CIS user)

TIA: Typically Incomprehensible Abbreviation

TSCOL: Typically Sophisticated Come-On Line (ham-handed dweebspeak)

TTFN: Totally Tyrannical Flame Net (the alt.flame hierarchy)

TTYL: Totally Tyrannical Years Later (I have become comfortably numb)

URL: UnReadable Language

WRT: Wednesday Replaces Tuesday, a commonly used algorithm for effecting deadline slippage

BTW: Better Thursday than Wednesday, a deadline slippage algorithm also known as WRT++

FWIW: First Wednesday In Weeks, a temporary respite from BTW deadline slippage

WYSIWYG: When You're Sure It's Wrong, You Grimace

YMMV: Your Mate May Vituperate (computer widow(er) syndrome)

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