Topping tonight's headlines...

In related news, a paid federal informant has sold his autobiography to the supermarket tabloid known as "The Star". In the book, he insists that militia members really are dangerous, violent criminals and not simply aging malcontents who shoot off their mouths when they've had too much to drink. Despite the book's provocative nature, the author--known as "Hoarse Throat"--has received no death threats or letter bombs. He says, "That just goes to show you how crafty they are!"

Local crime boss Jimmy "Green Eyes" Verduccio was indicted today on federal racketeering charges. Federal prosecutors claim Verduccio used threats of violence in an attempt to force trucking companies to offer him lower rates.

On the technology front, Internet guru Cliff Stoler today warned a national convention of teachers about the dangers of unlimited, unlicensed communication. He told the assembly that the Internet is a hotbed of militia activity, despite claims that militia members can barely read or write. He reminded the teachers that federal authorities have charged that the Internet is rife with pedophiles, despite claims that pedophiles can barely read or write. On a happier note, he held out the hope that teachers might achieve some good results from the Internet, even though teachers can barely read or write.

In other Internet news, President Clinton today called on the FCC to force Internet Service Providers to provide Internet accounts to all public school children at reduced rates. Asked to comment, crime boss Jimmy "Green Eyes" Verduccio said, "What'd I do that he ain't doin'?" Internet guru Cliff Stoler struck a more positive note; he said, "Why should children have to pay full price to be victimized by militias and pedophiles?"

Speaking before a crowd of Senior Citizens, Clinton also reiterated his call for the nation's public schools to commit to teaching children to read by the third grade. Many of the assembled elders could remember a time when an eight-year-old who couldn't read was regarded as a moron. Nevertheless, none of the superannuated voters could recall a time when people were expected to pay their own way in life. But demonstrating that the irony-deficiency is not total, one oldster remarked, "What the hell are they going to do on the Internet if they can't read?"

Campaigning in Ohio, former Kansas Senator Bob Dole responded by saying, "Bob Dole has a job. Pay my own way. Bob Dole can read."

In other campaign news, President Clinton took a commanding lead in three new polls released today. Surveys of horse race handicappers, "Psychic Hotline" telephone operators and aging rock stars undergoing drug rehabilitation all give Clinton a double-digit edge over former Kansas Senator Bob Dole. Texas billionaire Ross Perot has made some inroads with the telephone psychics, although he is still showing a distant third.

Federal authorities today lamented the on-going violence in Compton, California, near Los Angeles. In that mostly-black suburb, members of rival gangs known as the Bloods and the Crips are engaged in a turf war over the legacy of death-worship left by slain rap-music star Tupac Shakur. The war has been characterized by drive-by shootings and other violent confrontations, although rates of property crimes and crimes of violence against non-gang-members have plummeted.

One paid federal informant--known as "Cleared Throat"--speculates that the federal government's true concern is for its covert crack cocaine distribution network. In an interview with the supermarket tabloid known as "The Star", Cleared Throat said, "Man! That's [bleeped]! They don't care about the homies! They don't even care that the next generation of welfare cases are killin' each other off. There ain't no Bloods and there ain't no Crips, there's just two big companies run by the CIA--BFN and CFN. Stands for Bolivian Fried Niggers and Colombian Fried Niggers. It's a franchise deal. All they care about is keepin' the brothers fried."

Asked to comment about his reputed ties to crime boss Jimmy "Green Eyes" Verduccio, Cleared Throat said, "When Jimmy say to blow somethin', it blow. Jimmy ain't no [bleeped]-up militia! You get all scared of the militias, but it's Jimmy and the gangstas that gots the will to kill. [Bleeped]-up militias couldn't blow up a paper bag!"

Cleared Throat narrowly escaped injury today when a parcel delivered to his secret hide-out exploded. It is not known who sent the letter bomb. Federal authorities have revealed, however, that Cleared Throat is suspected of membership in the Orange County Rotary Club, which they insist is a violent hate group and not just a bunch of fat suburbanites who like to barbecue and wax their cars.

Campaigning in Arizona, President Clinton said, "American security is not threatened by murderous teenagers with automatic weapons. It is not threatened by organized crime, not even federally-organized crime. American security is not threatened by international drug cartels founded with American tax dollars in order to finance covert wars of empire. No! American security is threatened by subliterate morons who cannot manage to start even one of their seven rusty old cars. American security is threatened by fat suburbanites who are fed up with paying their own way and everyone else's. But most of all, American security is threatened by unlimited, unlicensed Internet communication! Your president is the most anti-crime president in American history, and the reason is that I have the sense to go after the criminals I can catch! Now you may say, 'But Mr. President, they didn't hurt nobody!' Well, by god, they meant to!"

Asked to comment, former Kansas Senator Bob Dole said, "Bob Dole's for that. Prosecute intentions. Don't prosecute actions. I'm for that. It's what we did with the president, isn't it? I'm for that. I follow the news. Know what's important. Bob Dole's no different, just better."