THAT DOESN'T COUNT -- (Up-Tempo Girl-Group Pop-Tune Parody)

The characters:

HEATHER--ditzy, clueless Valley girl, bleating TV-fed sheep

PAIGE--very together, straight-A student, well-informed individualist

Structure: Spoken word performances with music under followed by
semi-sung call-and-response segments followed by sung refrain;
that sequence repeated through four acts; Act V finishes with
spoken word, then refrain slowly crescendoing out.

The spoken word parts should be conversational, and the call and
response parts quick and catty; teenage girls will know how to do
this. Punctuation always implies pacing, as with rests in musical
notation: comma, semi-colon, colon, full-stop, ellipsis--each one
longer than the previous.



ACT I

SPOKEN WORD (music under throughout)

HEATHER: Hey, Paige, is this election like totally boring or what?

PAIGE: I find it fascinating. It's like something out of Rome.

HEATHER: Rome? That is like so ancient history...!

PAIGE: (dryly) Yes, Heather. It is.

HEATHER: WhatEVER. Besides, it's SO not fair!

PAIGE: What's not fair?

HEATHER: That they're not, like, counting all the votes and stuff.


CALL AND RESPONSE
PAIGE: But Gore LOST the first recount
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: And he lost the SECOND recount
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: He's lost every OTHER recount
HEATHER: That doesn't count


REFRAIN (TOGETHER)
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count

That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count


ACT II

SPOKEN WORD (music under throughout)

HEATHER: Gosh, Paige, you're like so partisan and stuff.

PAIGE: No, I'm not.

HEATHER: And you're so bristly and angry. It's like you're
jumping down my throat.

PAIGE: No, I'm not.

HEATHER: I mean, it's like you're against fairness or something.

PAIGE: No, Heather, I'm not.

HEATHER: I mean, like, every vote must be counted, right?


CALL AND RESPONSE
PAIGE: But non-citizens voted
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: But criminals voted
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: But DEAD people voted
HEATHER: That doesn't count

REFRAIN (TOGETHER)
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count

That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count


ACT III

SPOKEN WORD (music under throughout)

HEATHER: Oh, c'mon, Paige! Where are you GETTING this stuff?

PAIGE: That's guilt by association.

HEATHER: But surely you can't be all worked up like this.

PAIGE: Heather, I am deadly serious.

HEATHER: Have you thought about maybe seeing a shrink?

PAIGE: Oh, so now I'm crazy, am I?

HEATHER: Calm DOWN! It's just a silly recount.


CALL AND RESPONSE
PAIGE: But they only counted democrats
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: And they tried to block the soldiers
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: And they tried to toss the mail ballots
HEATHER: That doesn't count

REFRAIN (TOGETHER)
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count

That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count


ACT IV

SPOKEN WORD (music under throughout)

HEATHER: Well, Paige, I guess we'll never know who won, will we?

PAIGE: Bush won.

HEATHER: I mean, until we count EVERY ballot, we just can't know,
can we?

PAIGE: Bush won.

HEATHER: And there's always that nagging question about the
popular vote...

PAIGE: Heather, George W. Bush won this election.

HEATHER: That's just, like, you know, YOUR opinion!


CALL AND RESPONSE
PAIGE: But... Gore LOST the election
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: And he LOST in all the trial courts
HEATHER: That doesn't count
PAIGE: And he LOST at the Supreme Court
HEATHER: That doesn't count

REFRAIN (TOGETHER)
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count

That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count


ACT V

SPOKEN WORD (music under throughout)

HEATHER: (sing-song ranting) Besides, Gore won in the Florida
Supreme Court, and that's the only court that really matters,
because this is America and we believe in State's Rights, except
for stuff like abortion and school prayer and vouchers and speed
limits and plumbing fixtures and stuff. Anyway, I don't care WHAT
you say. My president is Al Gore.

PAIGE: ...My president is Charlton Heston.

HEATHER: That doesn't count!

REFRAIN (TOGETHER)
That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count

That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count

That doesn't count
That doesn't count
That doesn't count...

Actually, the American elections are rather more crucial for us at the moment than our own . That is not to belittle the importance of the latter, but taking a really hard look at the present situation, one cannot escape this conclusion. This statement may annoy a lot of people, but we are not particularly concerned about sensitivities at the moment. The thing is that we have to admit that despite the fact that most emphatically, the majority of the Iraqi people are for the new Iraq, and that the "insurrectionists" do not represent but a small minority, nevertheless the balance of forces on the ground would be seriously upset were it not for the support of the American and allied forces and nations. This small minority is dangerous, desperate, ruthless and absolutely prepared to commit any kind of atrocity to further their aims and vent their spleen, as has been clearly demonstrated almost everyday. They are well financed and connected with parties and interests beyond the border who consider it a matter of life and death to thwart all U.S. efforts and abort this attempt at creating a democratic state in the area. There are even larger international forces at work behind the regional players. So with all these foes it cannot be expected that the fledgling new Iraqi state and the largely peaceful and unarmed people can withstand the assault on their own in the present stage of development. It is a foregone conclusion that any abandonment or retreat would result in the most catastrophic consequences both for the Iraqi people as well as within the context of the wider global war on terrorism. Having said that, it is also important, to ease the burden on the Multi National Forces and keep them as much as possible out of harms way and stop the losses altogether. This can be done by transferring as much of the routine tasks to the Iraqis while keeping the MNF in secure bases from which they can be deployed for strategic tasks. For us, they are a most valuable asset and must be shielded and used only with the utmost care and parsimony. I believe it is possible to devise such a strategy and that it can be implemented.

Now, do we have a right, as Iraqis to express our opinion about the U.S. elections, which are of course an entirely internal affair for the American people? Or are they?

It seems to me, that since this matter is going to have a direct impact on our lives and very existence and since the U.S. government and people have seen fit to intervene and initiate this profound revolution in our country; it would not be extravagant nor incorrect for us even to demand to take part in those elections, rhetorically speaking of course.

So, I have been, personally very attentive to the debates and positions of both candidates, and I have some thoughts which I would like to share with you, my American friends. To start with, Senator Kerry may be a very good man and quite patriotic. Also we have to respect the almost 50% of the American people who lean towards the democrats. I don't know much about domestic issues in the States so naturally, as might be expected, the position of any Iraqi would be mainly influenced by the issue that most concerns him. Thus, regardless of all the arguments of both candidates the main problem is that President Bush now represents a symbol of defiance against the terrorists and it is a fact, that all the enemies of America, with the terrorists foremost, are hoping for him to be deposed in the upcoming elections. That is not to say that they like the democrats, but that they will take such an outcome as retreat by the American people, and will consequently be greatly encouraged to intensify their assault. The outcome here on the ground in Iraq seems to be almost obvious. In case President Bush loses the election there would be a massive upsurge of violence, in the belief, rightly or wrongly, by the enemy, that the new leadership is more likely to "cut and run" to use the phrase frequently used by some of my readers. And they would try to inflict as heavy casualties as possible on the American forces to bring about a retreat and withdrawal. It is crucial for them to remove this insurmountable obstacle which stands in their way. They fully realize that with continued American and allies' commitment, they have no hope of achieving anything.

On the other hand if President Bush is reelected, this will prove to them that the American people are not intimidated despite all their brutality, and that their cause is quite futile. Yes there is little doubt that an election victory by President Bush would be a severe blow and a great disappointment for all the terrorists in the World and all the enemies of America. I believe that such an outcome would result in despair and demoralization of the "insurgent elements" here in Iraq, and would lead to the pro-democracy forces gaining the upper hand eventually. Note that we are not saying that President Bush is perfect, nor even that he is better than the Senator, just that the present situation is such that a change of leadership at this crucial point is going to send an entirely wrong message to all the enemies. Unfortunately, it seems to me that many in the U.S. don't quite appreciate how high the stakes are. The challenge is mortal, and you and we are locked in a War, a National Emergency; and in such circumstances partisan considerations must be of secondary importance. If you lose this war, you are no more, and you will have to withdraw within you boundaries cringing and waiting for terror to strike you in your homeland, afraid to move around, afraid to travel, afraid to do business abroad. You will have to see all your friends abroad annihilated and intimidated and nobody will have any confidence or trust in you anymore. And you will have to watch from far with bitterness the forces of darkness and evil taking over in many parts of this earth, with feelings of impotence and inability to do anything about it. In other words you would lose all credibility, and the fiends of terror and obscurantism would go triumphantly dancing the macabre dance of mayhem and death, and darkness would descend and obliterate the light and the hope. You think I am exaggerating, you think I am being paranoid? I just pray that destiny would not prove all these things; I pray that these horrors will not come to pass. And all this for what? For failing to confront few thousands ex-baathists and demented religious fanatics and some common criminals, concentrated in some rural areas of a country of the size of just one of your states; and that for a nation that has defeated Natzism, Imperial Japan and the Soviet Empire!

Well if Senator Kerry is such a good man, and he may well be, then it would be prudent to wait just another four years to elect him, after the job is done. And if this is interference in your national affairs by a foreigner, I am not going to give you any apology for it.

Another conspicuous aspect of the tape is the absence of common Islamist themes that are relevant to the month of Ramadan, which for fundamentalists like bin Laden is the month of Jihad and martyrdom. Noticeably absent from the Al-Jazeera tape was his usual appearance with a weapon, and more importantly the absence of references to Jihad, martyrdom, the Koran, the Hadith (Islamic tradition), Crusaders, Jews, and the legacy of the Prophet Muhammad on the duty to wage Jihad against the infidels. For the followers of the Al-Qa'ida ideology, this speech sends a regressive and defeatist message of surrender, as seen in the move from solely using Jihad warfare to a mixed strategy of threats combined with truce offers and election deals.